Oscars 2008 Running Commentary

From a site that shall remain nameless (to keep the riff-raff away), my running comments on this year's Oscar telecast.

* Lame opening montage.

* Stewart monologue - ”Psychopathic killer Oscar movies”; “his stripper name is Olympia Dukkakis”; “…pick the Democrat you’ll vote for”; “asteroid about to hit”, cut to Spike Lee. Solid set. Grade: B

* I was gonna do the drinking game where you do a shot when they show Jack, but I need to go to work sometime this week.

* Jennifer Garner looks like a girl.

* Why do Costume Design Oscar winners always dress like hobos? Jeez, Hermione thinks Swank looks manly?

* Jeez. In 50 years, they’re going to describing some suave new actor as the “new George Clooney”, aren’t they?

* Props for including the Rob Lowe shot in the montage. Don’t they usually run the filler montages in the middle of the show?

* Anne Hathaway: When bad dresses happen to yummy girls.

* This is the witty banter that we get now that we have the writers back? Is it too late for the strike to restart?

* Katherine Heigl shows how to look like Marilyn Monroe without looking like you’re trying to look like Marilyn Monroe. Hubba-hubba!

* And the shunning of “Norbit” continues.

* How come these people still don’t seem to know where to go after their speeches?

* Wow. Great pipes on Amy Adams, but couldn’t they have found a more whimsical outfit?

* First upset of the evening as The Golden Compass benefits from the vote split between Transformers and Pirates 3 for VFX.

* Crappy Art Direction presentation with them Photoshopping frames from the movie instead of showing actual sketches and paintings.

* Wow, it’s been 10 years since Cuba Gooding Jr. decided that he’d had enough dignity in his career? “Boat Trip”, “Daddy Day Care”, and “Snow Dogs” should’ve prompted a repossession by now.

* Never expected Xavier Bardem to win. (j/k) What did they bleep out?

* The spoof montages were funny. Too bad they didn’t have time to show them.

* Why does Keri Russell always look like she’s Joan Allen’s older sister?

* Using the “August Rush” tune time to look thru the sales papers. Hal Holbrook did the “cabin patch”?

* I’ll bet Tilda Swinton is thinking that she should’ve considered her fashion choices more thoroughly as her award will be overshadowed by all the worst-dressed lists she’ll be topping. Good speech dogging Clooney and his bat suit.

* Loved the adapted screenplay intros with all the writers tapping and scribbling away while the Coens are shown sleeping and angsting. Curious that their speeches were so inarticulate, no?

* Cute film explaining the Oscar process. They left out the part where the PWC guys phone their “bets” into Vegas.

* Miley Cyrus looks like an older version of Ellen Page.

* Whoever designed that dress that minimized Kristen Chenoweth’s awesome sweater kittens needs to be disappeared STAT!

* Funny shtick with the tubby Hebrews from “Superbad” and “Knocked Up”.

* Sound awards: the rivals for the various shorts and docs for who-cares-ness.

* Gee, they’re doing Best Actress early. Marion Cot-uh-something-French wins. She’s prettier in real life. Awwww, Forest gave her a hug.

* So far, the three acting awards have gone to non-Americans and with DDL a slam dunk, it’s going to be a sweep. English, Spanish, French and Irish thespians take the prizes. Someone better not tell Lou Dobbs.

* WTF?!? Did Nintendo pay for that Wii placement?

* I kept waiting for the Glen, the Coldplay wannabe, to drop his pick thru that gaping hole in the top of his guitar. How much do you have to play to grind away that much wood? “Once” is sooooooo overrated, but the song is nice enough.

* I’ve seen 42 of the 79 Best Pic winners - Hermione 36 – including almost all from 1970 on. (I’ve got Midnight Cowboy and Schindler’s List in the stack of DVDs to watch to plug a couple of the holes.)

* “Bourne Ultimatum” is sure cleaning up the technical awards. Could “No Country” be in danger?

* WTF is that tinsel crap around Nicole Kidman’s neck? She looks like she’s been flashing at Mardi Gras.

* Why do I know that MadgeLuva469 is going to run out and buy some hoop earrings like Daniel-Day-Lewis has?

* Honorary Oscar speeches are always scintillating, aren’t they?

* Has anyone heard of ANY of the Foreign Language nominees? Where was “The Kite Runner”? They really need to overhaul the process. How dare the winner invoke the Nazis?!? Doesn’t he know that the Oscars are all about Iraq now? Nazis are so old hat.

* WTF is up with that slick spot by the stage right podium? Colin Farrell said they should fix it and Xenu’s former favorite son almost fell on it.

* Nice to see the “Once” tune win if only because it gives the lowly indie musicians some hope. I didn't hate the movie; it just isn't all that.

* Classy move to have the Russian(?) girl back on to give a secondary speech. Hey, she mentioned indie musicians. She’s reading the Rope backstage?

* WTF is Cameron Diaz wearing? She looks hippier than Jennifer Hudson.

* “There Will Be Milkshakes” gets Cinematography, so it looks like they’re spreading the wealth around. Perhaps Roger Deakens split his vote?

* Hillary “Do I die in this one?” Swank intros the These Are People Who Died montage. Heath Ledger edges Ingmar Bergman in the applause competition. Hermione wonders where Brad Renfro was.

* Gee, Hollyweird finds a use for our soldiers: To inoculate themselves against charges that they’re anti-American and anti-solider with the category that followed their appearance. Not the least bit cynical. Not at all. Pffft.

* HA!!! “Sicko” loses, thus making Michael “There will be a meal served, right?” Moore’s year of defeat complete. Where was Fidel Castro? Did he eat him?!?!?

* True Fact: Diablo Cody is the first Oscar winner to go onstage with an exposed punk girl tattoo since Jessica Tandy won for “Driving Miss Daisy”. Hermione says, “Right now in seedy strip clubs everywhere, the next Great American Movie is being written.”

* Did Bono write Mirren’s speech?

* DD-L wins?!?! Jeez, everyone lost their Oscar pools. Seriously though, if he wasn’t in it this year, it’d be tough to handicap the race because the other performances were solid.

* The Coen Brothers have really come back from “The Ladykillers” and “Intolerable Cruelty”, haven’t they? They’ll have three Oscars to juggle tonight. Literally.

* Overall, a decent show. It moved quickly – overall run time: 3:17 - and had a few sweet moments and no truly dreadful lulls. Jon Stewart was good enough, though I’d rather have Steve Martin. Overall show grade: B+