Oscars 2009 Running Commentary.

C&Ped from the original posting elsewhere:

• For the first time in I think ever, I've actually seen all five Best Picture and most of the acting nominees BEFORE the Oscar show. That The Wrestler and Dark Knight aren't in the mix while the muddled and mediocre The Reader and glorified TV movie Frost/Nixon are occupying slots is ridiculous.
• Also ridiculous is the one-strap gowns all these women are wearing. WTF is Amy Adams wearing around her neck?!? Nice dress, terrible necklace.
• I'm wondering who's gonna get more shout outs: God or Obama?
• Mickey Rourke has a picture of his dead dog on his necklace. Sean Penn should drop out for this alone.
• Hermione is screaming, “No color! No color!”, at the drab bedsheets and neutral colors on parade.
• Ugh, Marissa Tomei’s dress is awful. TAKE IT OFF NOW!
• Wow. Glitzy crystal curtain. I need to get one of those for the tool shed.
• Cute opening number. Craig’s List Dancers! Yummy Girl sings too! Nice dig at The Reader.
• Well, after only 12 minutes of high energy fun, they’re already boring us with montages.
• Hmmm….not sure if I dig this gang nominee reader thing. Shouldn’t Tilda (and whoever comes next) get the spotlight herself? Jeez, can’t we get some clips instead of the tribute speeches. Awful, simply awful. Funny Whoopi line, but I’d rather see clips.
• The only category where there were five solid contenders and some question as to who would win still ended up predictably. Cruz is a fine choice, though I was rooting for Tomei.
• Funny skit with Steve Martin and Tina Fey about writing that gives a certain cult a kick in the shins. No surprise at the Milk win and no surprise that a lot of Prop 8 subtext was in the speech. Did he just tip off Federal imposition of gay marriage even though Dear Leader has claimed to be against it? Hmmmm….
• Penthouse Cat Dollarnaire gets its first trophy. I wonder if Benjamin Button would’ve been a better choice because it required more spade work to get it on the screen from the source?
• Jennifer Anniston looks like she’s been crying. Must’ve been fun for her to have to stand smack dab in front of Brangelina. Say hi to John Mayer, loser.
• Who is this Japanese guy with the…did he just say ”Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto”?!?!?!? Where was I? Oh, yeah, the French movie title? I’ll have to track this down cuz Presto was a blast and would’ve been my pick.
• OK, I see what they’re doing with the order of categories, so why did they put Best Supporting Actress up first? Shouldn’t all the acting awards be in the middle and the editing, score and special effects awards last?
• Quick! Who just won the Art Direction and Costume Oscars that were won a few minutes ago? Can’t remember? Exactly!!!
• I don’t think Benji Button should’ve gotten Best Makeup because so much of it is CGI, not traditional makeup. Hellboy II should’ve won.
• Nice romance montage.
• We’re an hour in and have handed out eight awards.
• Ben Stiller channels Joaquin Phoenix and sets up the leading contender for Line of the Night: ”You look like you work at a Hassidic meth lab.”
• The inevitability of Penthouse Cat Dollarnaire winning has been sealed with the Cinematography Oscar. Where will the upsets come for the rest of the night? I hear TVs clicking off across America.
• Jeez, WTF was that bedsheet Jessica Biel was wearing? When you’ve got the bodacious curves, why would you cover them unless Justin Timbaland is threatening to go all Chris Brown on you if you don’t hide the badonkadonk.
• KILLER Judd Apatow short with the Pineapple Express guys and Januz Kaminski. Loved the bit with Franco’s kissing scenes from Milk cutting back to him. (He should’ve been nommed for Milk over Josh Brolin.) 2nd best LotN from Januz: ”Suck on that Andrew Dod Mantle!” Rogen cracks up and Franco munching the winner’s name.
• Hermione observes that Jackman’s been MIA while they’ve had comedians presenting most awards.
• Now he’s back doing the musical number that no one axed for. At first, when Bouncy came up, I thought that Queen Latifah sure has trimmed down. OK number, but drags the show out.
• Alan Arkin gets to announce the winner for the 2nd year in the row as Dora the Explorer opts to not show up for the cattle call. WTF is Seymour Philip Hoffman (sic) wearing on his head. Gee, more Prop 8-bashing from Joel Grey. Bore-ring. Walken’s creeping me out. Not a dry eye in the house as Heath Ledger’s family picks up his trophy. Damn shame he couldn’t have done so himself. A damn crying shame.
• Jeez, why didn’t they go to commercial after that moment? To stomp on that poignant moment with the canned Documentary reel was as tone-deaf as an A&R guy.
• Oh, jeez, Bill Maher? Every TV not in 212 and 818 just clicked off. Remember when this asstackler was in movies like D.C. Cab and shows like Hard Knocks? Oh, isn’t he cute pimping his Christianity-bashing film? Hey, Big Brave Man, why not speak out for Geert Wilders, you f*cking coward? Funny how you only bash the religions who won’t hack your empty head off. Pussy.
• Good action montage. Looks like Angelina Jolie was in half the montage.
• Benjamin Button wins Best Visual Effects. Damn right! I smacked down a herd of Comic Book Guys squabbling about Iron Dude vs. Bat Dude over at Gizmodo because while the comic book flicks were fine, BB was something truly extraordinary.
• ”Boom goes the dynamite!” Somewhere a college TV sportscaster wishes he’d trademarked the phrase.
• Why the snippet of “Mr. Blue Sky”?
• Interesting that the Indian sound mixer calls the city Bombay, not the politically correct Mumbai. Hmmmm.
• I hope no one has to call for tech support tomorrow because all the folks answering the phones will be hungover and slurring and more unintelligible than usual.
• How horrible is this tribute to Jerry Lewis gonna be?
• Hey, look, it’s Eddie “I released Norbit in time to blow my Oscar win” Murphy handing out Jerry Lewis’ Jean Hersholt Award. Oh, that’s right, they both did Nutty Professor movies. Jerry looks hella better than the last time I saw him when he was all puffy from steroids when he was going for the home run title.
• I figured out why Hoffman Phillip Seymour is wearing the skullcap: he’s playing the Edge in a U2 biopic.
• I like the way the stage is set up, though the crystal curtain seems to have gone MIA.
• Zac Efron and Alicia Keys – that’s some big-time Hollywood firepower.
• I liked Danny Elfman’s Milk score; a nice jazzy change of pace from his usual circus music.
• I guess it’s safe for the Benjamin Button crowd to head over to the after-party and the bar since they ain’t gonna be picking up anything.
• God just got a mention, so He takes a lead over Obama and Bill Maher has to be stifled from screaming by a beefy Teamster.
• Tonight, the part of Peter Gabriel will be played by John Legend backed by the Paul Simon Singers.
• With M.I.A. MIA, who are the girls covering for her? Also, what’s with the T-Pain effect on his vocals?
• God increases His lead with another mention. Bill Maher has been sedated to prevent him chewing his tongue off.
• Queen Latifah was fine, but when, oh when, are they going to do the Death Parade to the dulcet tones of Jim Carroll? Come on! Sydney Pollack and Paul Newman tie for applause.
• How many commercials is Jeff Bridges going to be doing the voice-overs on?
• Reese “I didn’t deserve my Oscar but I’m not giving it back” Witherspoon is dressed like a hobo. A glitzy hobo, but still a hobo. Was a blue dress not enough, needing the black curtains to be draped over it all?
• Danny Boyle gets an Oscar for making a movie with a script that didn’t collapse in the third act. Learn from it, Bub. You still suck for everything you’ve effed-up before though. (*cough*28 Days Later*cough*Sunshine*cough*Trainspotting*cough*Shallow Grave*cough*)
• Glitzy lineup for the Best Actress presenters. I still miss the clips from the films; that is what they’re winning for after all. Of the nominees, I’ve seen the fewest of these, having only seen Doubt and The Reader. Of the two, I think Streep was a bit better than Winslet, but Kate’s been due for a while. How about one for Glenn Close now? Great moment with her dad whistling.
• Nice that they’ve let the speeches run a little over without cueing the orchestra to stomp on the moments.
• I wonder if Robert DeNiro and Ben Kingsley compared notes about how to squander artistic credibility while chasing paychecks? It’s interesting how they’ve sometimes paired former colleagues like DeNiro toasting Penn and Hopkins introing Pitt.
• Well, politics trumped performance with Penn’s win. “Commie, homo-loving, sons-of-guns”, is precisely how he won. Now, I know the haters here will think that I’m upset because Penn is a disgusting sack of sh*t who can’t suck tyrannical dictators’ d*cks fast enough and should be torn to shreds by rabid badgers, but that’s not the problem. I watched Milk a few nights ago and was quite impressed by his performance, but the next night I watched The Wrestler and Rourke was simply much better. Take Rourke out and Penn would be OK to win, but instead the Pink Mafia and Prop 8 opponents chose to jerk off their politics first on a night that most of the awards have been justified. That Penn outdumped Maher was a foregone conclusion. Bleah. Hollywood just can’t stick their thumbs in the paying customer’s eyes hard enough, can they?
• Slumdog Millionaire, a film that Warner Bros almost dumped straight to DVD, wins Best Picture thus proving William Goldman correct. I think it was a little overrated, but of the nominees, it was my co-favorite.
• Overall it was a decent show. Jackman was charming and a lot of the numbers and bits were entertaining. The tributes from previous acting winners simply didn’t work. Lose ‘em and show clips.
• Overall score: B+